So today was strange for me because well, during the talks they were having it didn't feel like i should be there if that makes sense. It was like i was there for someone else. I had to keep telling myself this is for me i need to listen, I don't know if im trying to block myself from listening. I always think i know everything about transplant but do i really? I think im to afraid to let myself find out more, to hear all the statistics from the surgeons themselves. I know this is happening to me and i know the basics really about the Op and after care... But i don't know if i want to know any more. I spoke to a nurse when i got back about feeling this way and she just said this is happening to me so i need to know and hear everything i get told. Which is true but i think im just scared. I know what is going to happen when i get the call but iv never let myself actually think about me in ITC after and all the chest drains and needles ect. I keep thinking il just deal with it when it happens and always thought that was a good way of dealing with it, but maybe its not, maybe i should listen and take all the details of it in.
Today they told us that this year they have only done 2 heart-lung transplants. Two!! I was sitting at a table with two other friends that also like me need a heart and lung transplant, thats 3 of us right there! Its scary...maybe after almost 10 months on the list its all starting to hit me now??
Im going to ask to speak to my psychiatrist next week, maybe that will help me at the moment. Iv just got to much going through my mind.
|Kath, Me, Stacie & her twin sister Megan today.|